Kathryn Flatt and Malinda Lee share a painful bond.
Both are bereaved mothers who lost children during pregnancy and struggled to find adequate mental health care to deal with their grief.
“I had a pretty traumatic experience,” says Flatt, whose son Oliver died in 2018 when she was six months pregnant. “We left the hospital with a beautiful painted box, but without any support.”
Lee’s experience was similar. Her son Roy died two years ago, hours before a scheduled cesarean section. The hospital staff were caring and attentive, but bereavement counseling services specializing in miscarriage were almost impossible to find in Winnipeg.
It was also difficult to broach the subject with friends and loved ones.
SILENT SYMPTOMS
Downplayed. Rejected. Devalued.
In this monthly Free Press series, we’ll explore the underdiagnosed, underrecognized, and undertreated health issues that impact the lives of women, nonbinary, and trans people. We will share stories and lived experiences, while raising awareness.
In this article we look at pregnancy loss.
“Sometimes you feel like you have to keep it to yourself, like a dirty little secret, because you don’t want to burden other people,” Lee says. “Most people I know have never had babies. They can be kind and wonderful, but they don’t understand this specific pain.
After suffering from isolation, Lee and Flatt met at the Dragonfly support program’s inaugural group therapy session. The Women’s Health Clinic (WHC) program provides counseling and peer support services to individuals affected by miscarriage, termination of pregnancy or infant death.
“It was so nice to share with people who actually knew what you were going through,” Lee says. “It took away that feeling of loneliness.”
The Dragonfly program received provincial funding and launched in 2021, after years of lobbying HFC to try to fill the gap that exists for these types of mental health services.
“One in four people experience pregnancy or child loss in their lifetime,” explains Sarah Morand, Dragonfly advisor. “There is a huge need because it is an experience that is often stigmatized, not talked about or silenced… especially in cases of early miscarriage. »
According to Morand, this stigma stems from living in a society where death and reproduction have always been treated as equally taboo topics of discussion.
The death of a child is also referred to as “disordered grief,” she says, which makes it more traumatic or upsetting than the death of someone who has lived a full life.
Flatt thinks it’s harder for outsiders to understand what can often be an invisible struggle.
Connect with compassion
Saturday October 21, from 8 a.m. to 5:30 p.m.
Turtle Island Community Center,
510 King Street.
Registration is $50 with a rolling option through Eventbrite
Connecting with Compassion is a community conference for anyone affected by pregnancy or infant loss. Participants will receive lunch and refreshments throughout the day, as well as a personal care package, beading supplies and a journal.
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Saturday October 21, from 8 a.m. to 5:30 p.m.
Turtle Island Community Center,
510 King Street.
Registration is $50 with a rolling option through Eventbrite
Connecting with Compassion is a community conference for anyone affected by pregnancy or infant loss. Participants will receive lunch and refreshments throughout the day, as well as a personal care package, beading supplies and a journal.
Keynote speakers include Aditi Loveridge, founder of the Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support Center in Calgary; Rachel Bach, indigenous midwife; and Vanessa Anukwudwabisayquay, Indigenous Knowledge Keeper and Grieving Worker.
Mental health support will be available to anyone who needs it. There will be free childcare on site in a separate area of the building.
Visit childlosssupportwpg.com to learn more about ORE — A place of tender love and compassion.
The Dragonfly Support Program operates a weekly peer support circle at Ode’imin (formerly the Birth Center), located at 630 St. Mary’s Rd. Visit womenshealthclinic.org for further details and information on available consultancy services.
Close
“What people don’t see, they don’t understand,” says Flatt, who lost seven other pregnancies before giving birth to a “miracle baby” this year. “They don’t see the fight it took to get there or the length of time you carried your child…whether they were lost at four weeks or 40 weeks.”
Talking to your peers can help lift the veil, says Morand. “Sharing these similar experiences can provide a lot of validation and support. »
Lee experienced the power of sharing within his own family. It was a revelation that inspired her to become an activist.
“I’m Chinese-Canadian and… baby loss is an issue in our family, but we never talked about it,” she says, adding that both of her grandmothers lost children under age. After Roy’s death, Lee also heard about a cousin who died when he was a baby.
“I want to break the silence on stigma, not just (within) my culture, but for everyone. »
Lee and Flatt bonded in the Dragonfly program. At the end of the weekly sessions, the two men, along with several other participants, decided to create their own sharing circle to maintain the connection. They called the group ORE – A Place of Tender Love and Compassion, in honor of their sons. (ORE stands for Oliver, Roy and Elliot, the names of the founding members’ late babies.)
“The ore symbolizes strength, as well as the precious metals found in it, so it was pretty perfect,” Lee says of the name.
The group provides peer support through biweekly virtual meetings, group discussion, and in-person activities. Parents can add their children’s names to the group’s online “love wall” and sign up to receive an annual birthday card commemorating their child’s date of birth or death.
“It’s an incredible feeling; it’s everything you would want to have at your disposal,” says Flatt. “It took such a raw, traumatic and sad experience and allowed us to feel these huge pockets of joy.”
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. On Saturday, ORE is hosting its first community conference in collaboration with the Women’s Health Clinic.
Connecting with Compassion is a full-day activity, featuring lectures from subject matter experts, group art projects, movement workshops, and Indigenous teachings. The goal is to build community and provide bereaved people with a safe space to explore different ways of coping with their grief.
“Time doesn’t erase what happened,” Flatt said. “(We’re) trying to get the community to say, ‘Hey, this happens…let’s talk about it and heal from it together.’
Currently, Dragonfly remains the only official counseling program dedicated to pregnancy and infant loss in Manitoba. Although staff provide training to health care providers across the province to better deal with this type of loss, demand for services remains high.
Peer support groups, like ORE, are an important part of the puzzle.
“It addresses the need to create a space built by the community for the community,” says Morand, who will lead a journaling workshop on Saturday.
Lee hopes the Connecting with Compassion conference will become an annual event.
“We want to make it bigger and more accessible,” she says.
For Lee, working with ORE and creating a space for other parents was a meaningful way to honor her son’s memory.
“It definitely makes me feel connected to him,” she says. “Roy was my only baby, so I mothered him as best I could, from a distance.”
eva.wasney@winnipegfreepress.com
X: @evawasneyw