Sandwich generation: don’t forget your mental health

The importance of mental health during the holidays for the “sandwich generation”.

Let’s face it, while the holiday season brings joy and the opportunity to spend more time with friends and family, it also comes with a lot of stress. The main reasons: busy and hectic schedules, financial pressure, worries about gifts, dysfunction of the presence of some family members and inability to be with loved ones.

Although I could focus this month’s “The Courage of Connection” article on the fact that the holidays make 66% of people feel lonelier, I wanted to write about a topic happening in my own life , and in that of many of them. around me, we don’t talk about it enough: the stress that the holidays put on the “sandwich generation.” The sandwich generation is the group of adults whose parents are 65 or older who are raising a young child or still financially supporting an adult child. These adults must take care of their own children and also, in some ways, their aging parents. This care is in the form of general care provision of care responsibilities that might be expected, such as providing meals, travel or basic health care, but also major stressors like financial and emotional support from their loved ones. This group of people is growing rapidly, with more than half of Americans in their forties, “sandwiched” between an aging parent and their own children.

Being a caregiver, in any capacity, is incredibly difficult work. Adding the holidays to the mix can quickly take the joy out of what is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. We are often so busy caring for others during this time that our own mental health and self-care collapses. But this doesn’t always have to be the case.

To help my fellow sandwich generation make the most of the holiday season and protect our own well-being, I wanted to share some tips for taking care of yourself this holiday season:

1. Understand your stressors: Before the holidays get into full swing, make a list of what stresses you most about caring for your children and parents. The mental load of caring for two different groups of people can be very overwhelming, so it may be helpful to identify the most difficult aspects of the job for yourself. Is it buying gifts for everyone? Doctor appointments before the New Year? Driving everyone to their holiday activities and events? Are you worried about what topics will be discussed at the table? If you can make a list of what stresses you out the most and keeps you up at night, you can communicate to those around you what could be taken off your plate, what can be avoided, or work with a therapist. on how to better manage these stressors when they arise.
2. Communicate with Stakeholders: Keeping the above list in mind, how can you communicate with key stakeholders (your children, parents, siblings, or other family members) to set their expectations , establish borders and prepare yourself for success? Maybe this conveys to your family that you’ll only attend one family dinner on Christmas Day and won’t drive to other people’s houses. Or maybe you just don’t have the courage to buy gifts for every extended family member. Try to let everyone know up front what your expectations are, when you are available for help, and when you need to focus on other responsibilities. Communicate the “no’s” to people early on, so they can make other plans and not expect things from you that you are unable to provide.
3. Make time for self-care: Finding time for yourself during the holidays can seem impossible as a caregiver, but a few minutes here or there will make a difference. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by having all your loved ones in your house, go outside and try taking a few deep breaths and looking at the nature around you. Make yourself a cup of tea, walk into a room, lock the door and take a few moments for yourself. Or even get in your car, turn on some music, and drive around looking at the Christmas lights in your neighborhood. Just spending a few minutes for yourself, especially during times of stress, will make a bigger difference than you think on your mental state and your ability to continue handling whatever is on your plate.
4. Identify and Use Emotional Support: This is where the “Courage to Connect” really comes in. Being a caregiver can sometimes feel very isolating, and it’s also extremely time consuming, so you may not even realize that you haven’t spent quality time with people in your life outside of those you care for. Try talking to your friends and family about what you are facing and how you are feeling. Chances are they have no idea what you’ve been through and will offer support and maybe even help with some of the things on your “stressors” list. You can also find local caregiver support groups in your area through your town’s community center or your child’s or parents’ doctor’s office. Just having someone who can listen to you or understand what you are going through can be very comforting and empowering.
5. To deal with grief and loss: As a member of the sandwich generation, it’s likely that you have recently lost a parent and are dealing with the grief and loss associated with it. Or, you may be dealing with an elderly parent with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia, and feel their physical presence with you during the holidays, but the tension of not having them mentally there to participate in one of your annual activities together. Give yourself grace during this time to manage your emotions. Doing your best will look different every day. It can really help to share a love memory or share what you’re experiencing with a close friend, family member, or even a therapist. Just getting a few feelings off your chest will lighten the load and may even help you look back on the special years you shared with your loved one.
6. Seek professional help: We often hear “it takes a village” to raise a child. Caring for children and parents is never easy, so I encourage you to consider talking to a professional about how you are feeling. A licensed therapist or psychiatric The provider may offer you more help than a friend or family member, especially if you need an objective place to share your stress or anxiety. You won’t be able to take good care of others if you don’t take care of yourself, so regular, or even occasional, visits with a professional can help you stay healthy.

Vacation can be more stressful for those of us caring for both a parent and a child, but they can still be enjoyable and memorable. The most important thing to remember is that you are not alone. I challenge you to open up to family, friends, or even a therapist this holiday season to share your journey and ask for advice. Your family members are incredibly lucky to have you as their caregiver, and to continue doing a good job, you must prioritize your own mental health and connect with others.

To find a therapist, visit Psychology Today’s therapy directory.