Mediators are always looking for ways to bring the parties together to reach a settlement. Most mediators will agree that relationship building is the not-so-secret recipe for bringing groups together. However, it is like a mouse saying: “If I tie a bell around the cat’s head, I will always know where it is.” » This article will highlight key principles regarding how mediators build relationships with parties.
Stimulate and lead
Pace and leadership were introduced as tools for building relationships in 1975 by Richard Bandler and John Grinder in their seminal book, The Structure of Magic I: A Book on Language and Therapy. “Stimulate” means to match or mirror an attorney’s or client’s verbal and nonverbal cues, such as tone of voice, body language, breathing, words, and beliefs. “Leading” means gently introducing new ideas, suggestions, and directions that move them toward the neutral’s desired outcome, such as a change of opinion, decision, or solution.
Whether you’re the leader or the ringleader, the key is to not be insulting, condescending, or blunt. For these techniques to be effective, they must be used discreetly. They are like the spices in your kitchen; you don’t use them all in every meal you prepare. You want people to notice that there’s something different about you, even if they can’t put their finger on it.
Establish Trust
Pace builds confidence because people see you as being the same as them. After pacing, a persuader can then lead, and the subject will be comfortable following.
Pace and leadership are important because they can help you overcome resistance, build rapport, and influence the other person in a positive and respectful way. When you follow and lead them, you are not manipulating or coercing them, but rather aligning with them and helping them see new possibilities. Nurturing and leading can also help you avoid misunderstandings, conflicts, and arguments because you show empathy and respect for their point of view. Pace and direction can make your listener feel more comfortable, more confident, and more open to your message.
Rephrase and repeat
One technique for letting your interlocutor know that you are in a relationship with them is to rephrase and then repeat what you heard them say. At best, you will demonstrate your empathy and commitment to understanding their position. At worst, your partner will discover that you haven’t yet grasped their position, and then they will rephrase it.
As an example, “I need to be compensated for all of my inventory” could be repeated with “I can understand why you would want to receive fair compensation for the use of your inventory.” Pacing is caring, and the old cliché remains true: “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” »
A prerequisite for applying these techniques is active listening. Most people haven’t forgotten what you told them; they’ve probably never heard you. Many people are so busy thinking about how they will react that they don’t listen to what the other person is saying.
Remember that 65% of all communication is done through body language (25% through words and 10% through vocal variety). Be engaging. Make eye contact, but don’t stare. Don’t cross your arms when you speak. Lean in occasionally when the other person is speaking. Think about what they are saying to you and let them know you are thinking about it through your body language. These and other techniques for communicating nonverbally are found in The Definitive Book of Body Language: The Hidden Meaning Behind People’s Gestures and Expressions by Barbara Pease and Allan Pease.
I like you; You love Me
In general, people like people who look like them or seem like them. People will often forget what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel when you said it. We do not wear the same outfit when we are doing gardening work as we would if we were attending a mediation. We have the power of discernment. What works in one circumstance won’t work in another. The difference between a medicine and a poison is the dose.
The accomplished neutral knows that there are many tools in their toolbox and that they must use those that are most appropriate for each circumstance. Pace and direct the work, because by aligning yourself with the other person first, you make them like and trust you. And similarities increase sympathy, and sympathy is an essential lever of persuasion. This process is unconsciousand that’s what makes pace and leadership so powerful.
Build rapport through pace and leadership
The idea that a good settlement leaves everyone unhappy is false. On the contrary, a good settlement is one in which everyone sacrifices themselves for the common good in order to reach a conclusion. The previous two sentences are an example of leadership. We challenged a common belief and then offered compelling information to the contrary, thereby leading the reader to adopt our point of view.
Dr. Milton H. Erickson was one of the greatest psychotherapists of all time. From him we learned the “pace, pace, pace, move” pattern. Another way to put this is build a relationship, build a relationship, build a relationship, and then gently push for change. The whimsical question “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” This question is easy to answer in the context of alternative dispute resolution (ADR). Stimulation is an important part of building a relationship, but it’s no use if you can’t close the sale or close the deal. ADR should lead to a settlement. Ideally this will happen on the day of the mediation, but sometimes it will happen weeks later. The rhythm, rhythm, rhythm, lead causes cracks in the armor, so it can take a while to fully reach someone and open them up to the idea of settlement.
Some people have a natural ability to pace and lead. For them, it’s effortless. Being neutral requires a commitment to studying all aspects of our profession, including developing our communication skills. This will take practice, perfect practice. You can do the same task a hundred different times, but you won’t get better if you perform it incorrectly repeatedly.
Building a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean everyone will want to have a drink with you. You can be respectful and deferential without seeming too familiar. Some people are gregarious, with larger-than-life personalities, while others radiate a quiet dignity. Each neutral can adopt its own brand, as long as it remains faithful to it.
Abraham Lincoln taught us that the highest calling of a lawyer is to be a peacemaker. We need to be mindful of our modes of expression and ensure that we build rapport by pacing our partner’s words and actions by mirroring and matching them. This should then be followed by a resolution in which everyone makes sacrifices.
