When couples come to see me, they are desperate to avoid hurtful exchanges and recurring arguments. (I specialize in chronic resentment, angerAnd emotional abuse.) Typically, they have already seen a number of therapists and tried many communication and active listening techniques, which have not worked for them outside of the therapist’s office. Invariably, they have developed a habit of reacting to trouble spots that derail their exchanges.
A flashpoint is something said or done that increases the emotional intensity of exchanges between relationship partners. It is usually accompanied by a physical marker, such as body tension, a pit in the stomach, a racing pulse, or a tense facial expression. After a hot spot, partners hear nothing positive and can rarely say anything useful. Typical flashpoints are overt or implied negative characterizations or anything judgmental, insulting, belittling, accusing, dismissing, blaming, or diagnosing.
Disputed areas become distorted memory, obscuring what happened before them, which is why partners can rarely remember what started the argument. After a flashpoint, I will remember the worst thing my partner said, but not what I said right before.
Catch and repeat
It is difficult to detect hot spots when they occur. They are so automatic that they bypass the conscious, regulatory parts of the brain. Try to pay attention to your body. If you’re feeling tense, stop blaming and try to see your partner’s point of view, then ask them to see yours. If your heart rate exceeds 80, take a ten to twenty minute break.
If you didn’t spot it at the time, wait until you’re both calmer to identify the flashpoint, without blaming each other. Rehearse what you both will do when this happens again, as it almost certainly will.
Disputed point: “You ignored my health and my requests. »
Next time: “We will try to understand each other without judgment. »
Point of contention: “As usual, I bring up a topic and you dismiss it and disagree.”
Next time: “When we disagree, let’s listen to each other’s point of view and try to understand, without judging. If we do not understand, we will respectfully ask and add more information.
People are often surprised to trigger a flash point when all they have been trying to do is “express their feelings.” Do not confuse judgments, expressed or implied, with the expression of feelings. For example:
“I feel judged, ignored, ignored, ignored.”
These are not feelings, they are judgments, even accusations, about a partner’s behavior. They will inevitably provoke defensiveness and counter-accusations. Here is an example of expressing feelings:
“I feel bad, sad, isolated, scared, frustrated. I assume you feel something similar to the same feelings. Is it correct?””
Show interest in each other’s points of view, why you think and feel what you do. Partners are often surprised to find that they don’t really disagree on the topic once they identify trouble spots and cooperate to change them (rather than blaming each other for them). Research by John Gottman and others suggests that couples have several important issues on which they never agree. When they are respectful, compassionate, and kind, it is much easier to tolerate these disagreements.
Negative tacit judgments
Hot spots are inevitable when partners make negative judgments about each other, even if they don’t express them. Unspoken negative judgments manifest themselves in body language, facial expressions and tone of voice. They increase reactivity and hinder negotiation on behavioral choices.
Left on autopilot, negative judgments become self-fulfilling prophecies. Partners tend to respond to each other’s negative judgments in a way that confirms them. For example, judging your partner to be a nag will inevitably make them feel ignored and talk more.
Negative judgments are almost always mutual. If you have negative judgments about your partner, your partner has negative judgments about you. If you want to change your partner’s negative judgments of you, you must change your negative judgments of your partner.
Negative judgments are not only bad for the whole family, they are also bad for your health and will manifest in minor and serious symptoms.
Improvement
Every negative judgment has plausible alternatives. In a romantic relationship, you want to choose the most compassionate plausible interpretation. For example:
Essential relationship reading
Negative judgment: “My partner is not compassionate, kind, or grateful. »
Compassionate interpretation: “My partner does not receive compassion, kindness and appreciation from me. »
In addition to mitigating your own negative judgments with more compassionate interpretations, try to ameliorate your partner’s negative judgments. For example, suppose your partner’s negative judgment is that you are selfish.
Confirmation: I am irritated that my partner unfairly judges me as selfish. She has some nerve to think that; she does Nothing In my opinion.
Improvement: “I’m sorry I didn’t show you that I cared about your feelings. I care, I just have some bad habits that I need to work on. I want you to feel like I care, even when we disagree.
A general rule for changing negative judgment of your partner is: if you contradict an accusation in a romantic relationship, you prove it to be true, but if you agree with it, you prove it to be false . In the example above, the partner reacts selfishly to their partner’s judgment that they are selfish. In the improvement, he agrees with the accusation but responds with compassion, showing that he is trying to be considerate.
Improve, not exacerbate
After a hot spot, we always have the choice to improve it, i.e. apologize. On autopilot, we tend to make things worse by thinking of every possible reason to justify our anger. Anger and distress are gluttons. Justify feeds them, improve starves them.
