I’ll start with a confession: I live with a difficult person. Wait, let’s put that plural… people. Difficult people.
Obviously, I have a complicated family. And between you and me, I’d really rather just hole up in my room and let them all sort out their problems.
Unfortunately, the less difficult members of the family all referred to me as “the difficult person who whispers.” So whenever there is something to discuss, no matter how minor, they rely on me to facilitate or give a special “massage”, in their own words.
No, it’s not the kind of massage you think! It’s simply a kind of approach to dealing with difficult people.
Do you have your own group of difficult people? Maybe like me, you often feel like you’re at your wit’s end when dealing with them, but maybe like me, you also didn’t know that you’re exceptionally good at it!
Well, here are 10 signs that you are. I guess this list will serve as confirmation that you are the DP whisperer in your own corner of the world.
Let’s go!
1) You have patience
Obviously. Wells and wells. Or at least a longer chain than the average person has.
It’s no secret that difficult people will test our patience with behaviors such as:
- Being too critical
- Refusing to cooperate (Agree for the sake of getting along? What is that?)
- Be constantly argumentative
- Never admit their mistakes
And that’s just to name a few!
There’s no way around it: to deal with difficult people exceptionally well, you have to call upon all the patience-granting powers so you don’t lose your own shit.
All joking aside, I’m sure you have your own way of being patient. Maybe you count to ten (or a hundred if it’s that bad), take a deep breath, listen carefully…
Whatever strategy you use, it’s a sure indication that you know how control your emotions. Which brings me to my next point…
2) You can stay calm in tense situations
Have you ever had to play referee between two angry people? Have you ever been tasked with breaking unpleasant news to your family’s cinematographer? Or have you had to deal with a conflicting customer at work?
I know, it’s crazy sometimes, right? But what can you do if you are the one who can stay calm and composed in difficult situations like this?
Managing your own emotions while navigating the strong reactions of others is not an easy task. It is a skill that requires a lot of emotional intelligence and a healthy dose of self-awareness.
(This is why we should be especially kind to people in people-facing jobs, like retail, restaurants, etc.) The way they have to put up with bad customer behavior is nothing short of heroic! )
3) You have excellent communication skills
Besides emotional intelligence, you are also good with words. You know exactly what to say and how to say it.
I suspect that’s one of the reasons I’m the DP Whisperer in my family. As a writer, I tend to have a good understanding of how to break news, how to soothe ruffled feathers, how to get an unpleasant person to agree…
I’m not saying this to brag or to convince you to become a writer. I’m just pointing out how having superb communication skills is very helpful when dealing with difficult people.
But you probably already know that. I’m sure you already know how to present things in the right way, with the right tone.
So, most often you can Make your point without making an enemy. Your middle name is Tact and your last name is Clarity!
4) You are clear about your limits
On this note, I would like to talk about borders. I know I said that dealing with difficult people requires a lot of patience, which some people might misinterpret as being completely nice and a breeze.
But that’s not the case at all.
Actually, PsychCentral states that boundaries are especially crucial when dealing with difficult people. It’s the emotional equivalent of putting on your own oxygen mask first. Without them, we are bound to feel resentment.
How exactly do you approach the delicate issue of assertiveness?
First, make it clear that it’s about YOU and YOUR limits. Not about them or what you want them to do. You want them to see that you are simply expressing YOUR needs/wants. They can’t argue with that, can they?
Second, be firm, clear and above all neutral. No need for emotional statements or justifications. When dealing with difficult people, it is always wise to be neutral.
Imagine yourself being the voice of reason, because in this scenario, you probably are.
5) You don’t take things personally
Unfortunately, continuing to be the voice of reason can be a big challenge when the other person is getting on your nerves.
What helped me become the model of reason that I am today (ahem!) was learning not to take things personally.
You see, what I’ve realized over the years is that it’s rarely about me. Someone who criticizes me or is rude is that way for reasons that have nothing to do with me.
For example, my sister has been particularly difficult to deal with lately. One day, I was talking to her about my plans to go on vacation when she suddenly snapped at me, telling me that it was inconsiderate of me to talk about it when I knew she had just lost her job.
I admit that I was surprised by the violence of his response. But I could also tell that it wasn’t even about me, even though she clearly used the words, “You’re so inconsiderate!”
It was his frustration with what was currently happening in his life.
I can think of hundreds of other times I resort to this strategy – don’t take things personally – and each time, it made it easier for me to get rid of the negative vibes.
After all, why should I absorb all this energy when it’s not even about me? If you understand what I mean, it means you deal well with difficult people!
6) You can see things from other people’s points of view
This actually goes hand in hand with not taking things personally. I would say this is the first step to getting there.
As they say, hurting people hurts people. There are all sorts of reasons why difficult people are the way they are; there are underlying patterns and triggers that we may never know.
That’s why I think the right way to go is to just listen. Just get to know where they come from.
This doesn’t mean you excuse their behavior, but it does help you be a little kinder and understanding.
And you know what? Sometimes that’s all they need.
7) You try to develop relationships
There is perhaps no better example of someone who handles difficult people although a hostage negotiator.
If you observe the way a negotiator communicates, you will notice that the first thing they do to de-escalate a situation is to develop relationships.
This involves strategies like listening and acknowledging their feelings and points of view.
Coming back to my own family, for example, another reason why everyone thinks I find it easier to deal with difficulties is because I have a good relationship with them. The consensus is that they would be more willing to listen to me.
The same may be true for you. If you don’t mind finding common ground with a difficult person, you’re already miles ahead.
8) You focus on solutions, not just emotions
While we’re on the topic of negotiations (because, really, that’s what most interactions with difficult people are like), what are you focusing on when talking to them?
If you say “solutions,” it’s more of a sign that you know how to manage them exceptionally well.
Remember that difficult people are full of messy emotions. Frustration, anger, despair, entitlement… it’s all drama!
But because you have the ability to move through messy emotions, you can let it all slide off your back as if you were immersed in waterproofing material and focus on resolving the situation.
9) You have a great sense of humor
Oh, that’s a big deal. I think that humor is one of the most powerful tools capable of defusing the most tense situations. This can ease what might otherwise be a confrontational interaction.
That said, it’s all about timing and relevance. Knowing when to use humor is a skill in itself.
Not only does it help you in the moment, but it also helps you manage your own emotions afterwards.
For me, it helped me I don’t take myself too seriously. This allowed me to put things into perspective so that the frustration I felt wasn’t too much and ruined my entire day. Sometimes you just have to shake it off and laugh about it!
10) You practice self-care
Finally, if you handle difficult people exceptionally well, you take care of yourself, especially your mental and emotional health.
It’s a crucial ingredient: the gift that keeps you giving.
There are many ways to make sure these difficult interactions don’t harm you. One of them is boundaries, which we’ve already talked about. Another solution is to ask for help when you need it.
And the third is to break away. This was very helpful and helped me stay sane after such interactions.
You see, difficult people have a way of making you feel responsible or obligated to them. They can exert pressure and control.
That’s why I make a conscious effort to step back and remember that I’m not responsible for their unhappiness.
Final Thoughts
No one wants to deal with a difficult person, but that is the reality of life. And as with many unpleasant realities, the best way to deal with them is to learn from them.
You can think of them as a way to develop patience. To develop your “grace muscle”.
No matter how difficult they are, difficult people deserve as much respect as anyone else.
Besides, isn’t that the true meaning of love: to love what is not lovable?
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