If a loved one is overweight, you may be concerned and want to intervene. After all, getting a high body mass index (BMI) is associated with a higher risk of health problems like Type 2 diabetes, cardiac diseaseAnd canceras well as a low quality of life, as Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Remarks.
But not so fast, experts say. Weight loss is a sensitive subject and a personal choice. If you want to talk to your friend or family member about it, taking a mindful approach can help you get your message across, if it’s welcome, without hurting your loved one’s feelings.
“Talking to a loved one about weight and weight loss can be extremely triggering for that person,” says Ariela Vasserman, doctor of psychology, psychologist at NYU Langone Health in New York. “Timing and empathy are two key factors when trying to have a conversation. Most attempts by others tend to elicit intense feelings of shame and humiliation, which likely causes them to avoid discussion further.
As with many difficult topics, when it comes to discussions about weight loss, it’s not just what you say but how you say it that matters.
“It’s a very sensitive subject and words are essential when talking about it with loved ones,” says Vijaya Surampudi, MDassistant professor of medicine in the division of human nutrition at UCLA Health in Los Angeles.
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Here are some do’s and don’ts when approaching a loved one about possible weight loss.
1. Ask permission
If you’re concerned about the effect your loved one’s weight might be having on their health, start by asking their permission to discuss it, says Kasey Goodpaster, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and director of behavioral services at the Bariatric and Metabolic Institute at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio. “If they don’t want to talk about it, respect their decision and let them know you’re available if they change their mind,” she says. “You could say, ‘I’m here for you if or when you need support.’ »
Better yet, wait until your loved one brings up the subject. “My recommendation would be to wait until your loved one makes a comment about their weight or eating habits,” says Vasserman. “When they do, I would recommend listening, empathizing, and validating their experience rather than trying to find a solution for them to change.”
With permission, you can share useful information. “If they have a weight-related problem like osteoarthritis and if they voluntarily provide information about their knee pain, you can use that as an opportunity to start the conversation,” says Dr. Surampudi. “For example, you can say, ‘Have you heard that if you lose 5 pounds, that equates to 20 pounds off your knees and ankles?’ »
If the person has expressed that they don’t want to talk about their weight, listen and respect that desire. “Don’t continue to broach the subject of someone’s weight if they’ve already expressed a desire not to talk about it,” says Goodpaster. “Trust that they will come to you if this becomes a topic they would like to discuss. »
2. Don’t say, “You should go on a diet.”
Avoid accusatory words like “you must” or “you should,” advises Surampudi. This may seem judgmental and cause your loved one to feel judged.
Offering simplistic advice like “Why don’t you eat less and exercise more?” is simply unnecessary, says Goodpaster. “Such advice sends the message that weight management is easy when it is actually very difficult and complex,” she says. It’s also likely that your loved one has already heard something, she notes. “Assume the overweight person has tried many diets before and treat them like an expert on their own body,” says Goodpaster. “If they’re ready to make a change, you might ask them, ‘What have you tried already?’ What worked best for you?’
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3. Come from a place of love
Since being overweight and obese increases the risk of developing a host of health problems, including those mentioned above, you may want to have a frank conversation with your loved one about their overall health. “It’s important to focus on health rather than weight or appearance per se,” says Vasserman.
Explain that your concerns are because you care. “Send the message that you are coming from a place of love rather than criticism,” says Goodpaster. “For example, ‘I will always love you, no matter how big you are, (and) because I love you so much, I want to make sure we live a long and healthy life together.'”
You can also invite them to lovingly share their perspective. “For example, you might say, ‘I feel concerned about your health because of your family history of diabetes. Can you tell me how you feel about your weight gain?’ “, suggests Goodpaster.
4. Don’t say, “Are you going to eat all of this?”
Before you become critical, know that lashing out at your loved one is not likely to produce positive changes. “Don’t ‘food police’ or make critical comments about what the person eats, even if they have expressed that they are trying to lose weight,” advises Goodpaster. “Food policing typically triggers guilt and shame, which in turn can trigger emotional eating.”
Research also reveals that making negative comments to a loved one can be harmful. A study found that women who remembered their parents making comments about their weight during childhood were more dissatisfied with their weight as adults.
Additionally, shaming a person is not an effective way to get them to do something. “Keep in mind that lasting change will never happen through pressure or guilt from others,” says Goodpaster. “The person must be motivated to lose weight in order to commit to the many difficult behavior changes necessary in the long term.”
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5. Say, “How can I help you?” »
If you’re talking to someone who is considering losing weight but seems overwhelmed, remember that sometimes all people need is a listening ear. “The most important feedback, in my professional opinion, would be to suggest to your loved one that you are there for them and will support them along the way,” says Vasserman. “Asking how you could be helpful or supportive can open up fruitful conversations, instead of making concrete suggestions on how to lose weight.”
Additionally, rather than focusing only on a specific person who is overweight, it’s helpful to make healthy behavior changes as a family, says Goodpaster. “For example, the whole family can help run errands and prepare meals, take walks together, or participate in other forms of enjoyable physical activity,” she says.
Scientific research also supports a joint effort approach to effective weight loss. For example, a study revealed that people who participated in a 15-week online weight loss program with a friend lost more weight than those who followed the program alone.
6. Don’t automatically compliment a loved one’s weight loss
Unless your loved one specifically asks you to, avoid commenting on their weight loss. “Some people appreciate compliments when they start losing weight because they have difficulty recognizing changes in themselves, and others feel uncomfortable and ‘under the microscope’ when comments are done to their bodies,” says Goodpaster. If you’re not sure what the person wants, ask them.
Goodpaster advises not automatically complimenting someone’s weight loss unless they’ve expressed a desire to receive that type of feedback. And you know that weight loss is the result of healthy behavior change. “You can never assume that weight loss is a good thing, because sometimes it is unintentional due to illness or the result of unhealthy weight control practices,” says Goodpaster.
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7. Pay attention to the timing of these conversations
As mentioned, timing is crucial. “I definitely wouldn’t discuss your weight in front of others, because that would probably be humiliating,” Vasserman says. “Additionally, I would avoid conversations about health and weight if you or your loved one is in an emotionally vulnerable state, such as during a heated argument.”
Surampudi agrees. “Timing is everything,” she says. “If you know your loved one is very sensitive or isn’t even ready to think about making changes, wait. If a person is going through a difficult time, such as a divorce or a setback, it may not be the right time to address a weight issue and challenge yourself.
