The holidays are normally a time of joy, togetherness, and maybe even a few awkward sweaters. But family gatherings can also be fertile ground for conflict and sensitive conversations. From politics and religion to personal choices and long-held grudges, the holidays have the power to bring out the best and worst in every family.
If you dread the thought of navigating a minefield of family drama this season, you’re not alone. According to American Psychiatric Associationmore than a third of Americans are worried about “difficult family dynamics” this holiday season.
Afton Kapuscinski
Afton Kapuscinski is an associate professor of psychology and director of the Center for Psychological Services in the College of Arts and Sciences at Syracuse University. Kapuscinski’s research focuses on the treatment and prevention of mental health problems in adults.
Professor Kapuscinski spoke at length about managing family conflict and mental health during the height of the pandemic.
Below, she answers four questions about how to broach sensitive topics with your family members. She is available for interviews.
Q: You’re sitting at the Christmas dinner table and a sensitive topic comes up. What are your tips for the best ways to approach this type of conversation?
A: “Planning ahead before getting caught up in the “heat of the moment” about whether and how to engage in conversations about sensitive topics provides the opportunity to clearly identify the goals of the interaction with less emotional charge that clouds our thinking. Consider asking yourself, “What do I hope to accomplish through this conversation?” and “what choices on my part will make this outcome more likely?” » Whether your goal is to change another person’s mind, to have your point of view heard, or to learn more about a different point of view, we often act counterproductive to all of these goals when we feel angry or threatened. We can go into offensive mode by raising our voices, interrupting, making accusations based on assumptions, and formulating counterpoints instead of listening.
“Exhibiting empathy, approaching the other person’s point of view with curiosity, and speaking in a non-threatening tone increases the likelihood of a productive conversation.”
Q: How can you find common ground on very controversial topics?
A: “If you are specifically interested in finding common ground through dialogue, it is important to remember that people tend to have confirmation bias in polarized conversations in which we selectively seek information that supports what we already believe . A more “scientific” approach can be helpful in reaching common ground, which involves using methods that open yourself up to the possibility of disconfirming your own beliefs. Humanizing the other person is helpful in reducing bias, and this can be accomplished by asking them to share what in their own experiences and identity has led them to a given position, as well as asking genuine questions to clarify aspects of his point of view that you do not have. to understand. Openly acknowledging what you are learning from the other party can also provide the added benefit of making them more open to your views.
Q: Is it ever a good idea to make a topic completely off-limits?
A: “The capacity for dialogue on controversial topics is generally considered a sign of health for a person as well as for a group or system, because it implies a capacity for self-control, confidence and perspective-taking. At the same time, from a mental health perspective, the level of anxiety, anger, and relationship discord that these conversations can cause is too emotionally costly for some people.
“In my clinical experience, I have seen a few cases in which these conversations actually derailed substantial progress in psychotherapy because the situation became explosive and had long-term reverberating effects. Each person should use their own values and priorities as guides to determine when to engage in dialogue on sensitive topics and with whom.
Q: Do you have any other advice to offer on this topic?
A: “I recently attended a great workshop with Dr. Kirk Scheider focused on a model for discussing controversial issues in a depolarizing way. Those interested in this topic might consider reading his book, “The Depolarization of America: A Guide to Social Healing‘.”
To request interviews or obtain more information:
Daryl Lovell
Associate Director of Media Relations
Communications Division
Mr. 315.380.0206
dalovell@syr.edu | @DarylLovell
Syracuse University
