It’s an experience so universal that it has become something of a cliché: two people who I can’t hold my hand early in their relationship, they begin to see their sex lives suffer, along with libido – as well as the time and energy available for initiate sex-decreasing.
It’s a topic covered by a doctor and a sex educator Dr Rena Malik during a recent conversation with Dr. Kelly Caspersonboard-certified urologist and author of “sex education for adults” who offers a very simple solution: set aside a specific time in your calendar to make love.
Casperson points out that while it may seem like the least sexy, most spontaneous, most boring thing for an old couple to do, people of all ages do it.
“When we were younger, we made time for sex, didn’t we?” She says. “Maybe this partner wasn’t available at our house, we were like, ‘Friday it’ll be a date, maybe there will be sex.’ And so we had this anticipation, and we hadn’t had any pressure until then. So you had this moment that you were looking forward to, you knew you were going to dedicate yourself to it, and it was exciting to plan the sex of this way.
Casperson adds that the same enthusiasm can now apply to couples who are in monogamous relationships and live together, especially if they also have difficulty making time for each other due to other demands like work and childcare.
“We have this myth that we should have it at all times, all the time, but that’s not the case, is it? We’re always too busy doing other things,” she says . “But if you look back at scheduling and say, ‘Hey, Sunday, let’s do this at 2 p.m.,’ then you’re like, ‘That’s my protected time to do it.'”
Building a structured routine has all kinds of benefits when it comes to achieving professional goals and taking care of your health and fitness. Casperson believes the same goes for meeting your and your partner’s sexual needs.
“It’s a bit like exercising: We really could work out whenever we wanted to, but we don’t,” she says. “So if you schedule it and say ‘my workouts are at this exact time,’ you’re much more likely to get it done and focus on the task at hand.”
Malik adds that this tactic to build anticipation and mood might be particularly appealing to female partners. “There’s this thing where people expect us all to have this spontaneous desire,” she says, “which maybe you had as a younger person because your hormones are raging, but now , as an adult, it’s not necessarily there all the time, it takes a while.” effort.”
Philip Ellis is news editor at Men’s health, covering fitness, pop culture, sex and relationships, and LGBTQ+ issues. His work has been published in GQ, Teen Vogue, Man Repeller and MTV, and he is the author of Love and other scams.