Parents who feel depressed after their young children go off to college might wonder if they are out of step when they see online videos depicting newly created empty nesters dancing And celebrate their life without children. But the truth is that the first weeks and months after children leave home can be overwhelming for many parents, said Dr. David Nathan, a licensed psychologist and eastern region manager for Allina Health.
Nathan, who trains at Allina Highland Park Clinic in St. Paul, says the departure of a young adult is often a significant trauma for parents, many of whom did not expect the transition to be so difficult.
“Just like when a loved one dies or when someone breaks up with us, seeing our children leave home is a very important issue for the human spirit,” Nathan said. “Someone who is very close to us, who represents a very important part of our lives, is no longer there. It’s hard – and it’s important to recognize the feelings that transition brings up in our bodies and minds.
Nathan treats people of all ages and genders, although he said about 70 to 80 percent of his patient population is male. He discovered that men experience empty nest syndrome as often as women, but are less likely to recognize its symptoms in themselves or other men.
“I think our society doesn’t do a very good job of telling men that it’s okay to talk about these transitions or how they’re feeling,” he said. “Too often, many men, especially older ones, are hesitant to talk about it openly or admit their feelings. In fact, Nathan says, many of the men he treats for empty nest syndrome come at the request of someone else: “Often a man is referred to me because his wife, his girlfriend or his boss says, “You need to talk to someone.” »
Recently, Nathan and I discussed the mental health implications of the empty nest experience and how he helps his patients adjust to this new stage of life. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
MinnPost: When did you start talking to patients who were having difficulty after their children left the nest?
David Nathan: I started talking to people about empty nest syndrome relatively early in my career. This is truly a fundamental difficulty, a struggle common to many parents. If people have children, they will probably experience this feeling. In some cases, children continue to live with their parents as they grow up. But most of the time, the kids move away. This is often, but not always, a very difficult transition. It is often more difficult for the parent than for the child.
MP: How would you define empty nest syndrome?
DN: There is no DSM diagnosis of empty nest syndrome. Instead, someone might be diagnosed with anxiety Or depression Or adjustment disorder. The underlying problem that triggers these symptoms is the fact that a child is no longer home.
Often, empty nest syndrome is defined by a feeling of loss. Most of us like things in our lives to be predictable and familiar, especially when it comes to our relationship with our children. By the late teens and early twenties, a young person is ready to start their own life. They can’t wait to leave. They feel held back by their parents. This is difficult for many parents. It’s like breaking up with someone, like ending a relationship.
MP: What types of symptoms do your patients experience when their children leave home?
DN: One of the ways I think about mental health is that when something bad happens to us, the mind has many ways to respond. One way is to internalize symptoms like anxiety or depression, hold things in your mind, and obsess about certain topics. A second way is that of externalized symptoms. These are symptoms in which a person expresses their feelings indirectly but more outwardly. They may be irritable, snap at things, or break things. They might even fight. The third way is to experience somatic symptoms or feel a loss from your body like severe headaches, stomach upset, or skin rashes.
MP: How do you help patients make the connection between these symptoms and the big changes they are experiencing in their lives?
Dr David Nathan
DN: If someone comes to me and says they are feeling depressed, nervous, or having difficulty with anger, as a psychologist I ask myself what the main problem is that is contributing to them feeling Thus ? If I hear that one of their children has recently left home, I can help them understand that this is a different type of loss and, despite what they have heard from others or what they they think for themselves, this loss may be significant.
People often don’t make the connection between their empty nest and their symptoms. It depends on people’s understanding of how they respond to stress and change. With a lot of people, I can point things out to them and say, “It’s really hard when your child leaves. You miss your children. Our children are supposed to leave, but it still makes sense that you would be sad. In addition to simply regretting having their child at home, parents may also simply worry about their child, such as, “Will they manage without us around?” What if something happened to them?
I explain that it’s normal to have these kinds of emotions. It is healthy for us to be aware of all these feelings we are experiencing and then think about ways to respond to them.
MP: Compared to when I was in college, parents are much more connected to their children now. They can text and FaceTime every day if they want. Does this connectivity help combat empty nest syndrome?
DN: I think one of the cool things about life in 2023 is that we have all this amazing technology. We can FaceTime with people. We can video chat with people on the computer, but it’s really not the same. Even if you talk online for half an hour every day, it’s not the same as seeing them at breakfast or spending time with them on the weekend.
MP: Do pop culture assumptions about “liberation” from the empty nest make people who actually feel sad about this transition ashamed of their emotions?
DN: It may take us some time to find new patterns and develop a way to deal with loss and adapt to the change that occurs. It’s normal. If you feel sad and disconnected after your child leaves home, it’s not like you did anything wrong or are weak. It’s typical. It’s the natural response.
First of all, I want to make sure that people understand that it’s okay and normal and appropriate to be sad, to recognize that this thing happened and that you feel sad about it. It is important to recognize the source of what makes us feel something.
MP: How do you suggest parents deal with these overwhelming feelings?
DN: Everyone is a little different. They may have the kind of relationship with their child that allows them to schedule a regular check-in call. But you should ask your child in advance if it’s okay to do it.
I also think it’s important for people to take the time to do things for themselves that will help them in the healing process. Be patient with yourself. Think of this experience as if you were in a car accident: you would be sore for a while and it would take time to get better. Your insides And your exteriors can both be hurt. If your body was really knocked around in an accident, it will take some time for everything to heal. The same goes for your mental health.
MP: Have you ever talked to people who are worried that their experience won’t be as amazing as the empty nester experiences they see on Instagram or TikTok?
DN: I hear this all the time. I think social media is so useless. It’s all about getting clicks, not reality. It can actually make people more isolated and depressed. This is all about making money or getting attention. It’s not about being accurate, true, or even helpful.
If you feel bad or disgusted by what’s happening in your life, don’t go on Instagram. This is not an accurate representation of a typical person’s life. It’s completely normal to have mixed feelings about your child leaving home. Being an empty nester isn’t as mega-happy and happy Disney Version from “The Little Mermaid”. This is really far from reality, which can sometimes seem more like Hans Christian Andersen Version.
Recognize that having children leave is a very big transition. I brought up the metaphor of when someone dies or someone breaks up with you. The departure of our children is just as important.
MP: Do you have any personal experience with empty nest syndrome?
DN: I have children, but they are not old enough to leave yet. Having children was a very, very, very big deal. It’s probably not fair to say that a child going to college is as important as having a child born, but it’s still a very big deal and we need to recognize it.
MP: What about people who don’t feel so sad when their child leaves? Has anyone ever told you that they feel guilty, like they should be sadder about the situation?
DN: Sometimes people feel this way and tell me they thought they should feel bad about the transition, but that’s not the case. I’m just saying there’s no right way to feel about something. You just need to pay attention to these feelings and honor them. Our emotions are like the dashboard of our car: they tell us when something is happening in our body that we need to be aware of before it all comes crashing down.
I think in America a lot of guys, a lot of people in general, work so hard that even when we’re really overwhelmed, we don’t pay as much attention to our emotions as we should to preserve our overall health. . I ask people, “What are your emotions?” What do you feel? If you feel bad, what are some things that can help you feel less bad? »
We can still cover our dashboard and continue driving. But we won’t know when we need to put gas in the car, when we’re going too fast, or when the check engine light comes on. Finally, we have to look at the dashboard. We need to check in with our feelings from time to time and see if we need help.
