She doesn’t call or email except to share news of someone who is sick or dead. I always found his verbal and emotional behavior “indulgent”. She always talks about herself and what’s happening to her. She shows little awareness or empathy towards others.
I think this behavior is “narcissistic” and I am so tired of trying to communicate or create understanding between us. I wonder if you have any suggestions.
Exhausted: Your mother’s behavior may seem narcissistic, but you might consider other explanations and perhaps gain insight into your lifelong “politely distant” relationship if you think about what might be behind her behavior.
I’m not suggesting that you try to diagnose your mother, but, based on your description, her behavior when trying to connect or respond to you is out of the norm. Learning more about neurodivergence might lead you to understand your mother’s reactions to you in a new way, which could change your interpretation and expectations of her. Or not.
Consultations with a compassionate therapist would help you unravel your relationship history with both parents. If your goal is to find effective ways to deal with your frustration, therapy could help you do that.
Dear Amy: My parents are in their fifties. They have been married for 30 years and have always seemed happy. They are successful in their respective careers and have been wonderful parents to me and my younger siblings. (I’m the oldest of three children.) My youngest brother started college this fall and my parents may have lost their bearings a little.
Anyway, during a recent routine phone call, my mother told me that she and my father were talking about “opening up their marriage.” I guess this means they will have affairs with other people, while still being married.
First, I wonder why my mother told me that. Does she want me to try to stop them? Honestly, I think this whole open marriage thing is a really bad idea, but… it’s their journey and their business. I’m writing to you because I would really like to get your perspective on this.
Disconcerted: For some parents, adjusting to an empty nest involves more than installing a hot tub in the garage. And this cohort of parents – who have cared for teenagers and young adults during two or three years of the pandemic – could put their freedom to the test in an acute way.
Maybe your parents are a little crazy. It’s also possible that they’ve had this idea for a while and are just starting to explore it. For me, the main issue is trying to understand why your mother is talking to you about this. Her revelation falls into the category of “Whoa, TMI, Mom!” category.
When someone reveals something (or asks something) that comes like a bolt from the blue and shuts you up, a good way to respond is to say, “Can you tell me why you’re telling me that?”
Your mother may be looking for someone to stop them, but dragging you into this intimate, personal decision is not the kind of “open” marriage she should have. If she wants to discuss it, it’s something she should bring up with her siblings or friends, not her children.
Dear Amy: This question of “Doubting DIL» made me see red. This daughter-in-law was expressing all sorts of “concerns” about the way her mother-in-law dresses. Are his clothes too short? Too tight? Horrors.
I wish you’d asked her to examine her own motivations for trying to “help” her mother-in-law dress differently. I still dress like the “flower child” I once was. If someone did that to me, I would have a real problem with it.
Flower Child: I agree. Rock On!
© 2023 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.
