A Google search for “custody and narcissist” brings up numerous law firm articles on the subject as well as articles in Psychology Today, WebMD, Forbes. There are many videos with “experts” including retired judges, lawyers, therapists, many of whom sell various “packages” to parents who believe they are in a relationship with a narcissist and need help. Often, the “expert” is a litigator who has been through a custody dispute with a narcissist and who was successful. Many videos “help” litigants “prepare for custody court” or “win in court.”
Custody litigation
If you are in a custody dispute in family court, it means that you and the other parent have not been able to reach an appropriate parenting time or custody agreement. Custody determinations in all fifty states are based on the “best interests» of the child.
Best interests may include different standards depending on the judge, court, state in which the dispute takes place. It is based on the court’s factual determination of the parent/child relationship, the wishes of the child, the age and sex of the child, the mental and physical health of the parents, the special needs of the child. child, the existence or not of domestic violence in the home, involvement in the child’s education, medical care, extracurricular activities, which parent is most likely to protect the child’s relationship with the other parent, finances, family environment.
In custody disputes in the fifty states of the United States, the judge is the one who establishes the facts, except that eleven states allow the presence of a jury for certain aspects of the dispute, generally financial, in the event of divorce. Texas allows requests for a jury trial in child custody disputes. The judge will make the custody decision based on the combination of all the factors he considers in his best interests analysis as well as his observations of the parents in the courtroom during the proceeding.
Custody disputes are factual disputes. It is based on each parent’s relationship with their child(ren) until the conclusion of the custody trial. “Proof” includes school records, pediatrician records, dental records, photos, emails, texts, greeting cards, birthday party invitations, any clues to each parent’s relationship with the child and their harmonization with the child and their needs as well as the behavior of the parent in the courtroom.
Narcissism is a personality disorder
The DSM-5-TR lists narcissism under Personality disorders, “is a model of greatness, need for admiration and lack of empathy”. It is a Cluster B personality disorder (characterized by a persistently dysfunctional pattern of dramatic and overly emotional thinking or unpredictable behavior, dramatic and overly emotional behavior). Diagnostic criteria listed in the DSM -5-TR include:
1. Has a grandiose sense of his own importance;
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;
3. Believes that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions);
4. Requires excessive admiration;
5. Has a sense of entitlement;
6. Is interpersonally exploitative;
7. Lack of empathy;
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others envy him;
9. Shows arrogant or haughty behaviors and attitudes.
Custody trial
The history of a parent’s involvement in the child’s life is contained in the child’s school and medical records. School attendance records can show when the child is absent from school during parenting time and who attended parent/teacher conferences. Medical records show who brought the child to the pediatrician’s office for regular visits or who is overtreating the child with too many visits to the pediatrician. These recordings cannot be modified or faked. Teachers can testify as to who brings the child to school and who picks them up from school. Nannies or caregivers may witness the parent giving instructions regarding the child’s daily activities, meals, arranging the child’s schedule, etc. Nanny cameras can provide real-time recordings of each parent’s home behaviors. All of these elements can be presented at trial as evidence or by witnesses.
Email and text message communication shows interactions between parents: is the communication courteous and relevant? Does this show concern for the child or is it an attempt to blame the other parent? Is one parent turning away from the other and refusing to take responsibility for things that happen during their parenting time? Does social media show a flamboyant lifestyle with no room for parenthood? Online communications can all be evidence at trial.
Depending on state laws regarding audio and video recording, these may show inappropriate communications, abuse, out of control behavior or happy times and positive parenting.
Photographs can be used to describe time, activities and vacations with the child. They may also show injuries to the child. If shown a photo of the injured child, how does the parent on the witness stand react? Are they sympathetic, empathetic to the child’s hurt, or do they place blame on the other parent?
A narcissist judged
During a trial, each side presents witnesses. The complainant or petitioner begins. The trial consists of direct examination (who, what, where, when, why or open-ended questions), questions asked by the parent who called the witness’s lawyer and cross-examination (leading questions often requiring only a yes or no answer, tight questions allowing little or no elaboration) which often contain the answer in the questions) of this same witness by the lawyer of the opposing parent.
The narcissist’s feeling of grandeur can be manifested from the beginning of his direct case or his main case. The narcissist will begin to take charge of their case, not allowing their own lawyer to tell a coherent linear story, often answering questions that were not asked and speaking out. The need for control and their sense of grandeur continues cross-examination when they cannot tolerate being questioned by the other parent’s lawyer and begin to display anger, belligerence and superiority towards everyone in the courtroom, including the lawyer who dares to question them. The judge observes everything.
Parents involved in litigation against a narcissistic spouse, ex-spouse or partner often fear that the narcissist will charm the judge, lawyers, other witnesses and ultimately prevail at trial. The opposite is often true, while one party’s narcissistic traits make them a co-parenting nightmare, those same narcissistic traits are laid bare in the courtroom for all to see, inspect and observe . At the heart of every narcissist is the belief that they are superior and that many are incapable of being cross-examined, confronted with their contradictory statements or being presented in a negative light.
When confronted under cross-examination with contradictory statements on their part, narcissists will deny contradictions that are obvious to all, stating “I don’t see any contradiction”, “Neither yes nor no”, or “No reason”. ‘other questions/comments’.
When confronted with documentary evidence that proves they were mistaken or lied, they often display inappropriate affect, laughing or smiling when someone other than a narcissist would recognize their mistake or appear nervous rather than defiant.
Not recognizing their own flaws will help them preserve their own self-image, which is of paramount importance to the narcissist, but it proves very costly in custody disputes where the onus is the best interests of the child and not the best interests of the narcissist. .
How should you try your own custody case with a narcissist?
You are telling a story, your story of you and your child. Tell this story honestly using all the evidence you have to document it. The narcissist cannot tolerate the rigidity of a custody trial, over which he has no control. Imagine the diagnostic features listed above from the DSM-5-TR on display in a courtroom. You will be able to expose him for who and what he is.
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