When deciding which parenting topic to write about this week, I asked several fellow moms what issues interested them. The overwhelming answer: extracurricular activities – specifically, how much is too much?
This question immediately made me anxious, as my own children are on the opposite end of the spectrum and are not currently enrolled in anything.
Although my husband and I are the perpetual cheerleaders for the “Go sign up for something!” ”, our children firmly resisted. To be fair, they immersed themselves in various extracurricular activities – from football to ice hockey to figure skating – only to ultimately decide those activities weren’t for them.
I have stood firm on the principle that they must honor their commitments, but this year I began to question the wisdom of shelling out two to three hundred dollars for recordings when it means they will complain all the time. long practices and games each week.
As it stands, my kids are content to come home from school and immerse themselves in activities like building with Legos, exploring the garden, or inventing complex games. And you know what? That suits me perfectly. But that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes wonder if I should push them harder to try new things.
In a world where kids seem to be starting club and travel sports earlier than ever, the nagging question persists: Am I doing my kids a disservice by letting them chart their own path? Will they fall behind their peers in college or beyond when sports and team activities become more important to them? What happens if they want to play, but can’t make the team? Does it really matter?
To unravel this web of uncertainty, I called upon the wisdom of Dr Andrea Gurney. She is an author, clinical psychologist, and professor at Westmont College. Her ideas and advice highlight the balance between encouraging extracurricular activities and avoiding excessive schedules.
“Childhood should be about playing, exploring, and finding your passions,” Gurney reminded me. While extracurricular activities certainly teach valuable life skills, they should never replace the magic of free play and downtime. Gurney emphasized that “boredom fuels imagination and creativity.”
So as long as our children enjoy the activity and the focus remains on fun rather than performance, everything is fine. The problem arises when childhood is dominated by performance measures, Gurney explained.
“These days we place too much emphasis on performance and as a result we see more mental health issues,” she said. “By the time they get to college, they’re too stressed and have too busy schedules, and they don’t know what to do with the downtime. Children need unstructured downtime; it is essential for their development.
But how do you find the right balance? Gurney’s advice: trust your instincts.
“As parents, it’s crucial that we stay tuned to our children’s cues and resist imposing our own agendas on them,” she said. “We need to ask ourselves whether our desire for them to participate in certain activities stems from their interests or our expectations. »
This can manifest itself differently at different stages of our children’s development. For example, with adolescents we can engage them in discussions about their commitments and whether they want to take on more, while younger children who cannot express their feelings may show signs of overstimulation, exhaustion or resistance when they are too engaged, often. by increased outbursts of anger or by complaints of headaches or stomach aches.
“In our busy lives, it is crucial to evaluate whether each commitment aligns with our family’s well-being and values,” Gurney emphasized. “Sometimes we need to pause and ask ourselves, “Is this my best ‘yes’?” » before adding one more obligation to our already busy schedules.
As parents, we are often just as overworked and, as a result, overly stressed, and it is just as important for us to take time for ourselves. In adults, unplanned downtime is called “self-care.” It can be as simple as going for a walk or having dinner with family.
“Sometimes as parents we don’t model this downtime,” Gurney noted. “We need to nurture that and know that everything is okay – that’s what our brains and bodies need to reset.”
Now that we’ve learned how to recognize it and avoid overdoing it, when is a good time to encourage our children to explore new activities and do more?
“It depends on their temperament and interests,” Gurney said. “While it’s healthy for them to try new experiences, it’s just as crucial to respect their boundaries and unique interests.” She also warned that when kids take advantage of unscheduled downtime to retreat to their rooms or immerse themselves in screen time, it’s not always healthy, and parents may need to ask themselves if there isn’t a deeper issue underlying their hesitance to participate in activities. For example, are they afraid to try new things or are they bullied?
Gurney leaves us with a poignant reminder: childhood is not about subjecting children to performance-based pressure from a young age. We need to encourage exploration, introduce them to various activities, and engage in open conversations about their fears and desires.
Ultimately, she concluded, as with most parenting decisions, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. What works for one family may not work for another. Yet as parents, we have the power to prioritize our children’s well-being, nurture their interests, and appreciate the beauty of a balanced life.
Sara Bush is a happy wife, devoted mother of two, and journalist with a passion for storytelling. She is also a media relations consultant at Carra, a boutique marketing and media relations agency in Santa Barbara. Sara finds her inspiration in the extraordinary joy that comes from the ordinary daily life of raising children.
