How to meet your child’s needs and yours

Parenthood is an enriching journey with moments of joy and lots of personal growth. And… it can also be difficult. Conflicts arise when your toddler says no, your preschooler looks you in the eye while doing what you asked them not to do, or your child looks you in the eye. teenager asserts its independence.

In the United States, we have few models for managing conflict without one person winning and the other losing. Perhaps this is why football never caught on here, since two teams can race for 90 minutes and the end result is a tie.

Our governance systems, criminal justice systems, and competitive culture all reward winners at the expense of losers. Not surprisingly, this power dynamic also manifests itself in family life. In a 1966 article describing parenting approaches—“Effects of Authoritative Parental Control on Child Behavior”—Diana Baumrind asserted that “the proper way to train a child is for the parent or teacher to play the role of omniscient interpreter of an all-powerful deity and that he forcefully insists, when necessary, that the child conform to absolute rules of conduct. Nearly 60 years ago, Baumrind did not use the term “parenting styles” commonly used today; she called them “adult control” types.

Even the parent who uses Baumrind’s preferred style, “authoritarian,” “uses reason, power, and modeling through rule and reinforcement to achieve his or her goals (sic) and does not base decisions on group consensus or on the wishes of each child. » Authoritative parenting is still almost universally accepted as the best parenthood style of the four that Baumrind considered essential to his model. Her research, however, revealed a fifth style – “harmonious” – which she apparently ignored because the two boys whose parents used it were “particularly submissive, aimless, non-achievement-oriented and dependent…the harmonious model of Child rearing seemed to produce an effeminate orientation in boys (if much can be said about two cases), while the effect in girls was quite positive.

But Baumrind might have found the harmonious style even better than the authoritarian style, if she had taken the time to understand its effects on more than eight children. She might have discovered that families who value “honesty, harmony, justice, and rationality…above power, achievement, control, and order” raise children who have high self-esteem. themselves and an ability to create harmonious relationships with others. a crucial skill in an increasingly polarized world. So how could we do this?

Recognizing our needs is different from our strategies

Every conflict, from a world war to a fight over a toy, comes down to people trying to get their needs met. The most important thing to know about needs is that they are different from the strategies we use to meet Our needs.

When I teach workshops on this topic, I often describe how I got tired of emptying the dishwasher in our house. It didn’t take long, but I was unhappy doing it every morning while my husband slept in late and then had a leisurely breakfast. One day I had an argument with him: I decided that having him unload the dishwasher was the only thing that would help me.

My need wasn’t to unload the dishwasher; my needs were for collaboration and partnership. There are hundreds of ways we could have worked together to meet these needs. He could have gone shopping, made dinner, or taken our daughter outside so I could work. I chose to fight for the strategy I had decided was right, not necessity.

Because few of us grew up knowing how to identify our needs, much less how to meet them, the process can at first seem a little strange. But once you get used to it, you find that you can discover much more quickly why conflicts arise and identify strategies that meet everyone’s needs.

How to identify needs

We can always ask another person what their needs are, and with a little practice they might be able to tell us. But initially, our most effective approach is to look for patterns:

• Does the child refuse to get dressed or get in the car only on school days? There may be a problem that needs to be addressed at school – perhaps a lack of safety in the classroom or between classmates on the playground.
• Does the child refuse to get dressed or get in the car every time you are apart? They may need emotional comfort and security when separated from you.
• Does the child refuse to get dressed or get in the car every time, no matter where you go? Their need is rather linked to the physical comfort of clothing or the car seat.

One area where I see problems arise time and again between parents and young children is where the child needs autonomy and the parent prescribes what must be done and how to do it. Another situation is when a child needs connection and the parent wants the child to do things on their own.

I am not saying that the parent in these situations should ignore their own needs; far from there. When we can understand our needs, we can more effectively find ways to meet them. And meet the needs of our children.

Just like my real need wasn’t to unload the dishwasher, your need isn’t to get out of the house in the morning, whether your child is brushing their teeth or staying in bed. Your needs may relate to competence in your work, peace, ease and harmony in your relationship, and rest and self-care. All of these needs are as valid as your child’s, and you deserve to have them met, just like your child.

How to Meet the Needs of Multiple People

If your child needs connection in the morning and you need competence in your work, you can try:

• Help them get dressed
• Build in minutes of play with them
• Do not book meetings early in the morning (if possible)

If your child needs autonomy and you need to protect their body (and mouth), you can try:

• Allow them to have as much say as possible in tooth brushing: when, where and how it happens
• Do not hold them down/by holding the back of their head. If they have the choice to participate, they are much more likely to be willing to participate than if you remove that choice.

If your child needs joy and fun (and isn’t tired!) and you need rest and self-care, you can try:

• Allow them to play quietly while you rest
• Read a book or listen to a podcast in their room
• have another caregiver bedtime help, if available
• Gain more time to rest and take care of yourself earlier in the day

Very often, we parents become attached to a single strategy that we think is the right one. When we can find some cognitive flexibility we can see how using a strategy they suggest can also help us meet our needs.

Moving from win-lose to win-win

Moving away from the old way of resolving conflicts, where someone wins and someone loses in a struggle for limited resources, constitutes a big change. This new approach promotes teamwork and the search for solutions that suit everyone. We trade a mindset of competition and power for a mindset based on collaboration and power sharing.

When we use our power over another person, we are not considering their needs. This is why our children resist when we offer strategies that meet our needs but not theirs, and when we use our power to get them to comply. When we use strategies that meet everyone’s needs, we don’t need to use our power because others don’t resist having their needs met.

The benefits of this approach go far beyond easing immediate parenting challenges. We also practice a family dynamics who truly respects the needs of all family members and considers that all their needs deserve to be met. Children who practice this skill regularly can learn about the world and meet their own needs in intimate, professional, and political relationships, while also meeting the needs of others. In a world where people struggle to meet their needs for safety, autonomy, and respect, the ability to meet the needs of multiple people will be an essential skill.

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