Listen to this articleOctober is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and research shows that 30% of children exposed to intimate partner violence had their first exposure before the age of two. A further 26% had their first exposure between the ages of two and seven.
The Valley’s nonprofit Free Arts for Abused Children of Arizona works with children who have experienced ongoing trauma and toxic stress, putting them at greater risk for long-term outcomes, including substance abuse , prolonged poverty and premature death.
However, research shows that children build resilience when they engage in positive experiences and have support from caring adults. Free Arts uses the arts to provide safe, positive opportunities for children to engage with trained, trauma-informed volunteer mentors. If you know a child suffering from grief, here are 10 ways to support them:
1. Be open to conversation. Seeing a child cry can be particularly difficult and to cope, it is common for adults to avoid the subject of death to prevent further upsetting the child. However, refusing to talk about the dying process can have long-term consequences such as unresolved grief and undeveloped coping skills when facing loss in the future. Therefore, it is important to give the child space and opportunities to talk about their feelings. This will help them establish a sense of safety to explore their complex emotions. It may also be helpful to discuss your own experiences with loss and grief. During stressful times of grief, being able to relate to a child’s feelings can strengthen current connections and increase the ability to cope.
2. The cycle of grief. Grief can take many forms; It’s important for children to know that if they feel angry, sad or scared, it’s normal. Adults also need to know that grief is not linear. Children may go through the different “stages” of grief repeatedly as they process the experience. During this time, it is important to remain supportive and allow them to feel their emotions.
3. Discuss expectations. After the loss of a loved one, a child may feel uncertain about what will happen. You can ease their fears and concerns by talking to them about the changes they will see and experience. For example, if the deceased loved one used to pick the child up from school, letting them know who will take control of this duty can reduce anxiety. Additionally, if age-appropriate, informing children of final arrangements will help prepare them for immediate events ahead.
4. Managing complex emotions. Anger, guilt, and regret are common feelings after a loss that are more difficult to navigate. If the child feels angry, it is important to allow him to feel his emotion while encouraging him to express it constructively. For example, a child may want to throw objects to express anger; However, it is essential for you to set limits on what is acceptable behavior. In this case, it may be helpful to ask them to produce an alternative behavior that does not involve damaging an item, as children are more likely to comply if they produce their own solutions. Additionally, children may express feelings of guilt or regret for past actions or unspoken words. You can help them resolve these feelings by suggesting activities such as writing a letter to their loved one or about their feelings. It’s also common for children to complain of physical symptoms such as an upset stomach or headaches when experiencing high stress or anxiety. This may be an appropriate time to check in with the child and discuss their emotions around the loss as the child may be grieving silently.
5. Use appropriate and direct language. Family members often use mild euphemisms to explain the death. However, it is advisable to be direct when speaking to children because they interpret messages literally. A common example of this is telling a child that their loved one “only sleeps.” Saying this can inadvertently cause the child to develop a fear of naps or bedtime. Instead, it is more effective to explain the biological process in simple terms (for example, their heart stopped beating). This may lead to more questions, but direct, honest answers will help children process their grief than underplaying the facts. It’s also important to avoid phrases like “don’t cry” or “they wouldn’t want you to cry or be sad.” Such phrases teach children to suppress their emotions instead of crying in a healthy way.
6. Routines. Keeping established routines will help children maintain a sense of normalcy throughout the grieving process. Constant changes can increase anxiety and stress levels, making the grieving process more difficult to manage. In situations where significant changes to routine are completely unavoidable, it is important that children are included in the planning process, if possible, as it may be helpful for the child to know that their feelings and desires are taken into account. into account.
7. Model adaptation skills. Knowing healthy ways to grieve and cope begins with observing those closest to us. Even when you don’t have the words to say in that moment, you are teaching healthy grieving and healing through your actions.
8. Engage in coping strategies. Sometimes an open conversation is not possible or appropriate given several factors. However, there are other ways to support children during intense times of the grieving process: a) engaging in artistic activities such as painting or drawing help children process their feelings when they are not able or unwilling to verbalize their emotions, b) practice deep breathing, C) encourage journaling, d) engage in religious or spiritual practices, e) create a memory album or book, f) listen to music, g) take a walk or h) engage in non-directive play (let the child choose what to play with).
9. In continuous mourning. One of the most overlooked components of supporting children through grief is recognizing that they may grieve the same loss at different stages of their lives. For example, if a young girl loses her mother in kindergarten, not only will she mourn the loss at the moment, but she may cry again when she graduates from high school and realizes that her mother is not present. to witness its accomplishment. Through developmental changes and special occasions, being reminded of the absence of a loved one can reignite the grieving process. Therefore, it is important to provide appropriate support to children from the beginning, as these strategies will help set the foundation for healthy adaptation over time.
ten. Engage in self-care. Remember to take care of yourself throughout the grieving process. By ensuring you take care of your physical, mental and emotional well-being, you can provide the necessary support to any child going through the process.
When the loss is incredibly great, some children may state that they wish to die to be with their loved one. This is usually understood when the deceased was the child’s caregiver. In most cases, these feelings pass and are not a sign of suicidal ideation. However, if you are ever concerned about how a child is processing grief, please seek help from a mental health professional.
Jenna Christie-Tabron is the Clinical Director and Free Arts Mental Health Clinician who has dedicated her career to helping children and adolescents realize their highest potential. She has worked in school, psychiatric and forensic settings in the United States and the Bahamas. At Free Arts, she works to help the organization maintain a trauma-informed framework for their art-based programs that are designed to build resilience in children, adolescents, and young adults who have experienced a trauma.
