Anash.org Inbox: When you hear about suicide, who do you imagine? Perhaps a depressed teenager, a single and lonely middle-aged person, or an anxious criminal who commits suicide rather than face justice? The person who probably doesn’t come to mind is me: a young frum mom.
By anonymous
When you hear about suicide, who do you imagine? Perhaps a depressed teenager, a single and lonely middle-aged person, or an anxious criminal who commits suicide rather than face justice? The person who probably doesn’t come to mind is me: a young frum mom.
Self-harm and suicide are two topics that are rarely discussed in relation to frum demographics. However, we are not exempt from these problems. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, suicide is the second leading cause of death among people ages 10 to 34. With a statistic like this, you probably know someone who, at one time or another, has dealt with suicidal thoughts.
Before you panic thinking that talking about such topics only encourages them, take a deep breath. There is a misconception that speaking so openly will cause someone who previously did not have such thoughts to not only have them, but act on them. In fact, the opposite is true. If someone knows there are others going through the same thing, it can make it easier to manage. If someone knows there is support for what they are facing, it can make it easier to manage. Feeling alone in your struggle only exacerbates the struggle itself.
My journey into the darkest part of depression began, like so many others, as a teenager. I was around fourteen when I first self-harmed. I found that hurting myself caused a great release of tension and anger. Even though I knew it wasn’t healthy or appropriate behavior, I never told anyone about it. Instead, I made sure to use parts of my body such as my thighs or upper arms where no one would ever see marks. This behavior continued on and off throughout high school and seminary.
Once I got married and became pregnant, my mental health took a nosedive. I suffered from depression and anxiety throughout my pregnancies and postpartum stages. I went to therapy a few times for short periods of time, but I never stuck it out. After giving birth to my third, my depression went from bad to worse. I started stabbing myself regularly, to the point where my thigh was a constant bruise. Other days I found a different method to inflict pain on myself.
There came a time when my husband and I decided that I needed to start taking antidepressants. Unfortunately, the doctor I saw didn’t even give me the option to say that I was suicidal. Instead, he decided that it was okay for me since I had a strong community. In truth, I was very close to being actively suicidal.
For those who fortunately don’t know, antidepressants are not magic. It may take many attempts to find the right medication (not all antidepressants are the same since not all forms of depression are the same) and the right dosage. And even once you find the perfect recipe, the body can become accustomed to the medication, causing it to lose its effectiveness.
About a year and a half after I started taking my medication, I had my first real flirtation with suicide. Luckily, this episode ended without me getting hurt. However, the next week I had no energy and for the next six months I had constant flashbacks.
A year later, suicidal thoughts struck again. This time I was out of town, traveling for a family simcha. The urge to overdose was so strong that I sat in bed, shaking and crying, trying to understand why I can’t ruin the family simcha by killing myself. I shared my thoughts with my husband and asked him to hide my medications or I almost certainly would have overdosed.
At this point, I have been actively suicidal for almost a year boruch Hashem. I still take medication and see a therapist regularly. But my depression and the fact that I once contemplated suicide are a constant. It’s almost as if I feel the need to be aware in every moment that this is my challenge, that this is my journey. And it gets really difficult.
Often I wonder if one of the reasons I can’t get over it is the lack of support for suicide attempt survivors or those who have struggled with suicidal thoughts in the frum world . I even contacted one of the few mental health organizations aimed at frum women and was not allowed to join because they are not willing to discuss suicide or self-harm. I once heard a nurse who worked in a psychiatric ward say that frum patients had a much higher rate of repeat patients. I would venture to guess that this is due to the feelings of loneliness and therefore unworthiness that come from facing these struggles as a frum person.
What do I hope to gain by going public with my story?
Above all, I want others who have or are struggling with mental health issues, particularly self-harm or suicide, to know that they are not alone, that there are others who experience the same difficulties. So to all my fellow warriors, I see you. I hear you. I believe you. And above all, I believe in you.
And now to everyone else. Please check in on your friends, children and loved ones. Even a monthly “how are you” text can be enough. Be genuinely open to listening and holding space for the other person. Learn the signs of suicidal ideation. And if you think your friend is suicidal, don’t hesitate to ask them directly. If they feel your honesty and sincere care, they are more likely to open up than lie. Obviously, before doing this, learn how to react in such a situation.
Boruch Hashem, recent years have brought much more awareness and openness about mental health. But suicide and self-harm remain taboo. It shouldn’t be this way. If people were more open about the existence of this problem, those suffering from it would be much more likely to seek help. As things stand, admitting to these struggles constitutes a permanent black mark. To win this battle, we need all the support we can get. So please, let’s break the silence, stop the judgment, and help every person live a healthy, happy life.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, don’t hesitate to use these resources, especially on Shabbat or Yom Tov.
Call 899 or text “HELP” to 741-741.
If thoughts present immediate danger, call 911
For countries outside the United States, it is helpful to know the crisis line number for your country.
Learn the signs of suicidal ideation: https://www.suicideispreventable.org/
This article was originally published in Body and souls
