Fresno Air National Guard Base, California —
Although we take a break from discussing mental health topics every May because it is Mental Health Awareness Month, we know that the importance of the topic is not limited to the days of ‘a calendar. Our mental health should always be considered an essential part of our overall health.
Before we continue, I want to emphasize that no matter where you are with your mental health, it’s important to remember that diet, exercise, sleep, and interacting with others are key factors. which contribute to positive mental health. If you or someone you know is feeling hopeless or acting impulsively, seek help immediately!
We know that mental health issues are sometimes seen as a weakness. This is a stigma we may have due to our upbringing or environment. In the military I certainly felt that way, but I think the stigma has changed significantly. Today, the importance of mental health and the treatment of mental illness is taken more seriously. Mental illness, like any physical injury, can be healed. Sometimes it can heal on its own, like a cut or bruise, but often, because of its severity, medical intervention is needed to treat it, like a fracture.
This stigma can make it scary to admit we need help, and asking for help can seem like the hardest thing to do. Yet we know that when something is difficult or scary and we do it anyway, we are showing courage. This display of courage is important because it encourages others to ask for help when they need it. It also helps us prove to ourselves how brave we can be.
To help others overcome stigma, I share my personal story.
Throughout my life, I had viewed suicide as an outcome of cowardice. I thought the topic of mental health was laughable and that talking to someone about my emotions was something I just didn’t need. I felt mentally strong, capable and bulletproof. However, inside I was extremely vulnerable to the words, opinions and criticism of others.
When I felt discomfort, I overcompensated by acting tough, but I still felt fear and doubt. I deliberately built mental armor around my inner self. Why did I do this? Because I didn’t feel worthy of being vulnerable and imperfect, of recognizing and feeling my emotions, of being true to myself.
As a man and guard, every situation I found myself in was one to help others, solve problems, and excel by appearing impervious to physical and mental pain. But in each of these events, when I denied my true feelings and fears, I was denying myself and feeling lost. Ironically, when I put up my front, others benefited from the works I did well, but I felt like I was sacrificing myself for who I thought I should be.
When I broke, I broke hard. It didn’t just turn on like a light switch. My dysfunction was a gradual increase in negative experiences and negative self-talk. Over the years, I became less and less satisfied with myself as I denied the emotions and needs I had.
About five years ago a series of events began and I reached my lowest point. After excruciating and debilitating pain, I underwent spinal surgery, but my left arm was partially limp due to nerve damage. The realization that I was disabled filled me with even more thoughts of doubt. I asked myself: how can I serve? Will I be able to stay in the army? and How can I protect others or even myself?
Then, two years later, after another operation, I contracted an infection that almost cost me my life. After surviving the infection, I was physically weak and frail. My recovery lasted two years. During this time, my marriage deteriorated and I faced mounting medical bills and debt. I was having trouble. I also continued to live with crushing neck and spine pain.
I then received orders to deploy to Ukraine. Feeling overwhelmed, I sucked it up and put my armor back on. This was the strategy I knew and it usually worked. With my armor back in place, most people were unable to detect what I was going through or what I was thinking.
Then I was confronted with the tragic and unexpected death of an airman in my unit. I tried to stay strong and look strong. However, the chink in my armor was on full display. I stopped eating and continued to persevere with my problems. I isolated myself. I went through the motions of my job, but I had given up on myself.
It was then that I began to think that my absence from life would benefit others.
I was still deployed, but luckily for me, a few fellow airmen noticed. They started supporting me and made sure I didn’t isolate myself. They found ways to force me out of my room to eat my meals. They became mentors I didn’t know I needed. They showed me my strength when I thought I had none. They don’t know it, but they avoided several moments when I contemplated suicide.
When I returned from Ukraine, my situation deteriorated further. I no longer had my support network in place. Suicide seemed to become more and more of an option for me. I started planning how to do it. I researched morbid facts to assure myself of the lethality of my plan. I thought about how I would achieve my plan without anyone getting in my way. I made a commitment not to let others know what I was going to do.
The darkness I experienced made suicide seem like the only solution to end the pain, suffering and negative thoughts. If you are experiencing a similar type of darkness, I urge you not to give up. Suicide is never the solution. Continue to seek the light that leads you away from negative thoughts.
Out of nowhere, someone said the right thing to me! It was a simple compliment. A colleague said I was smart. People didn’t tell me that often and I didn’t believe it before, but this time it was different. It was so sincere that it stopped me in my tracks. Then I heard it again from another person, and again from another. It was after these interactions that I decided to try asking for help. Maybe I wasn’t worth anything.
It started with a begrudging cry for help. I called the Veterans Affairs Center. I was asked to come the next day, which gave me a glimmer of hope. With a lot of doubt and heavy feet, I went to the Veterans Center. I sat in a classroom expecting to be part of a newcomer briefing when, out of the blue, a member of staff asked me to follow along. It was an intervention. I discussed what was happening and he showed me kindness and empathy. He recognized my thoughts, assessed me, and gave me resources. The evaluation had four letters that stemmed from my combat experience: PTSD.
I eventually started eating, sleeping, exercising, and participating in some activities that I thought were safe. I spoke to the wing’s psychological health director and also a close friend. I began to heal and deal with my feelings of worthlessness, self-doubt, and helplessness. I learned to survive my recurring negative thoughts and finally move beyond them. I was experiencing deep depression complicated by PTSD, and now I had a plan, a treatment plan to get better.
I learned valuable lessons from my experience, which I continue to understand more and more each day.
First of all, no one should ever judge suicide or those who struggle with thoughts. He is a monster, a demon, a genie in the bottle who makes it seem like there is no other way. When someone gets lost in the darkness of their mind, it is extremely difficult to find their place or feel like everything will be okay again. Yet, before committing suicide, someone must remember that their demons, monsters, and pain spread to those who care about them. This is not a solution for them.
Second, I learned that I deserve to be honest with myself. I am worthy of being loved for me. Read it again. We are all worthy of being loved. We are worth it. This does not mean “me first at the expense of others”. This means having boundaries and confidence.
Third, IT’S GOOD TO RELY ON OTHERS when you need it. Excellence in everything we do is not just a personal thing; it’s also a team dynamic. We must all strive to care for, support and be willing to lean on our team members.
Fourth, there is ALWAYS another option! Get rid of your mortal means. Simply remove yourself from the situation. Be open and honest with yourself and find things that you think will keep you from committing suicide. Put a photo of someone or something meaningful on your phone. Contact someone you trust. Go to church, go hiking, or hit the gym. If you find that you no longer enjoy doing certain things, called anhedonia, take a brisk 30-minute walk. If you notice that you are doing things impulsively or engaging in unusually risky behavior such as drunk driving, drugs, unsafe sex, speeding, or thrill seeking, take a moment and be honest with yourself. Respond to your warning signs.
Fifth, ask for help! Text 741741, call the Veterans Suicide Hotline, or go to the emergency room. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Sixth, help others. You can find catharsis and answers by seeing things through the eyes of others.
The list of learnings is long. So, I want to leave you with this. We all subscribe to the Air Force’s core values on some level. The first value is integrity first. This core value extends beyond the Air Force or Department of Defense. This applies to each of us personally. When we are honest with ourselves, we are more willing to get help when we are struggling.
When we admit early on that we need help, even if our distress is more manageable, our difficulties will be easier to overcome. When we admit our true feelings, our true fears, and our true doubts, we come closer to accepting our real situation. We move closer to accepting our own imperfect dignity. By being honest with ourselves, we become healthier versions of ourselves. Truly, we will endure – endure our hardest times and find our own worth.
