Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit your questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
I work remotely, which is a blessing because my husband’s job requires a lot of travel. The problem is that right now we are in a very attractive city to visit and my in-laws are cheap. They come out of nowhere to “visit” us, that is, they demand that I wait for them hand and foot while we go from tourist trap to tourist trap. They are horrible guests, they complain about everything and ignore the fact that I actually have to work. I’m always on my computer and I can’t ignore my customers because they’re bored and don’t understand the subway system. Before the pandemic, I was arguing with my sister-in-law. I warned her that I had an appointment at 7 a.m. and that we were living in a studio at that time. She decided to stay out partying until 2pm and then had the nerve to complain that I woke her up while she was on vacation.
This is a huge bone of contention between my husband and I. He doesn’t see the problem just because his family is “difficult”, and they have no problem accommodating us when we visit (unaware that we are expected to pay for every meal and outing as a thank you). Plus, my mom and sister visit me all the time. But my family actually respects my time and my career, and cleans up after it. Because I’m at home, accommodation is still my responsibility. I’ve had it up to here. I’m willing to check into a hotel myself if my in-laws insist on coming. Please help me.
—Horror Accommodation
Dear Hosting Horror,
If the hotel plan is within your budget, this seems like a great plan to me. The good thing about your in-laws being extremely rude people with no social grace and who have already started conflicts with you in your own home is that politeness is out the window here ! You don’t have to worry about what they think about you leaving, just like they don’t worry about how it might turn out when they complain about your work meetings.
However, I think you need to be a little concerned about your relationship with your husband. The fact that he doesn’t care how his loved ones treat you or how you’re affected by their visits isn’t great. It seems like his role in the situation doesn’t bother you too much, at the moment.
But perhaps it deserves some of your attention. You may face incompatible cultural expectations when it comes to hospitality or closeness to family. Or it could be that you’ve started to get comfortable ignoring each other’s needs and feelings. Either way, the conflict is worth addressing and working through, because if you can’t make things work, the solution will be a lot more complicated than a night in a hotel.
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Dear Prudence,
Earlier this year, I dated someone I’ll call “Ken” for a few months. It got pretty intense pretty quickly, and then things ended pretty dramatically. I think we both panicked in different ways. He had just gotten out of a long relationship and I was dealing with family difficulties, and everything blew up. I’ve spent the last six months working deeply on healing, focusing on work, friendships, and myself. Recently, Ken and I reconnected and began spending time together as friends. I really enjoyed this new period. Our connection still seems very strong. At the same time, I feel much more stable in my own life, and when we discuss our past, I feel like he’s in a different place, too. This made me wonder if it was possible that we could explore a romantic relationship again. Is this a bad idea? Can exes ever reconcile? For what it’s worth, I feel extra anxiety because I know my friends and family don’t approve of it because they took care of me during the breakup, and I didn’t tell them we were talking again.
—Not ready to move on
Dear not ready,
Exes can absolutely reconcile. But your letter leaves me with a lot of questions: When you say things ended dramatically, what does that look like? How exactly did Ken “freak out”? How are you? Do you just feel like he’s in a different place now, or has he actually explained why he behaved the way he did, apologized where necessary, and argued in a manner convincing that things will be different next time? Did he even say he wanna reconcile? What do your friends and family know about what he did that they can’t get over? If you have new evidence that would allow you to present a compelling case in his defense, why don’t you have it?
Honestly, I think a relationship that you have to hide from the people who love you because you don’t think they would understand is, at least 85% of the time, a relationship that will be bad for you. They have your best interests in mind. You also have your best interests in mind, but your mind is clouded by all the emotions related to your “connection.” And remember, it’s that same bond that wasn’t enough to stop you from hurting yourself the first time.
You should move away from Ken’s situation. And if you just can’t resist giving this relationship another chance, at least open yourself up to people who care about you and who will help protect you from getting hurt again.
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Dear Prudence,
What is the polite, adult way to respond when people deeply judge something that they don’t know you experience as well? I tried changing the subject but it didn’t work, and I think this will continue to be a problem for me at least as long as the topic is salacious in the friend group.
For context, an acquaintance of ours recently broke up with her boyfriend and announced via text that she was rushing headlong into casual dating because she and her boyfriend hadn’t had sex in almost ‘a year. At a recent party, everyone was talking about it, saying things like “it’s unhealthy!” » “How could you stay in a relationship like that” “We would never live without it!” and overall, all give a nod, a nod to having a good sex life and that not having sex is the death knell.
Meanwhile, I have PTSD from some past experiences and other mental health issues that I’m too ashamed to share here. My partner and I have sex maybe once or twice a month, and last year it was even less often. And I feel very guilty about the loss of my high libido, even though my partner is nice, calm and good at cuddling and kissing. But everyone talking about it repeatedly makes me really sad and ashamed, and I don’t know how to navigate these conversations. We’re all in our early 30s and connected personally and professionally, so I see these people a lot, although I’ve chosen to spend more time with my other friends while this topic fades.
—I wish I had done it more
Dear, Do it more,
The word that jumped out at me in your letter was “shame.” Shame is so painful to experience, and it’s shame (not the chatter within your friend group) that really makes you unhappy. You say you have PTSD, and I think it’s important to think about how that might contribute to you feeling resentful about the details of a sex life that, until the conversation at that party, worked great for you. The experience you are not having is not separate from your other mental health issues. Talk to your therapist and see if you can get help managing your reaction to your friends’ comments and possibly thinking about them differently. I suggest this mostly because I suspect this won’t be the only time a topic of conversation in a social setting triggers your intense feeling that you’re not good enough. In other words, it’s not about sex and how much of it you have. HAS all.
Catch up with Prudie this week.
More advice from Slate
I am a mother of young children and was recently diagnosed with cancer. Fortunately, it was detected early and can be treated. However, I was very tired and underwent many treatments and doctor visits. My husband informed me that a few days before my tumor removal surgery at the end of the month, his entire family had planned a party at my in-laws’ house a few hours away to wish me well. Although I really appreciate this gesture, the party comes at the wrong time. On top of that, my husband’s family is very loud and boisterous and I just don’t have the energy to deal with that. My husband doesn’t understand why I’m not excited about the party and asks me to be grateful. Am I ungrateful or is it acceptable that I express my appreciation for this gesture but explain that I simply won’t be able to attend?
