Why do gay men care so much about their appearance?
Str8Curious is a monthly AskMen column where lifestyle expert and proud Joey Skladany answers straight men’s burning questions about sex, dating, and the LGBTQ+ community. No topic is off-limits as he candidly gives advice, debunks stereotypes, and gives them straight to you – er – gay. If you would like to submit a question for editorial consideration (and we will respect anonymity), please feel free to ping Joey directly at Instagram or send him an email to (email protected)).
The question
I recently came out, but I’ve discovered that the gay community can be quite superficial when it comes to appearance. Is there a lot of pressure to look a certain way? It seems exhausting and now I’m starting to wonder if I’m considered attractive or if I even want to date anyone. -Henry, Des Moines, Iowa
The answer
Welcome to the exact conversation I have in therapy every week, Henry! It’s always such a joy and pleasure to dive into, so grab a Xanax, grab a surplus of tissues, and buckle up.
Joking aside, rejection by gay men can be both exhausting and exasperating. Many of us endured traumatic childhoods where we felt rejected and ostracized by our peers, only to grow up to imitate and/or experience this behavior within our own community. Isn’t that something?
In my opinion, the reality of how we got here is threefold:
1) Gay men are thriving on this new sense of superiority
They are no longer, at least in their chosen social circles, perceived as “different” or “less than.” Instead, they are now in a position of power and can choose who they surround themselves with on a daily basis.
While this is a wonderful way to protect yourself from those who question your very existence, it can go to the extreme and turn into a form of narcissism. Frankly, there is a temporary feeling associated with telling someone they are not worthy of you, especially when the situation of emotional abuse has reversed and you are now sitting at their head.
2) Some gays are just not safe
And as we all know, insecure people lash out because it comes from a place of pain and hurt. If you can convince yourself that you’re “better” or more attractive than someone (even if you know that’s not the truth), you might feel good about yourself in the moment.
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This usually turns into a negative pattern of rejecting those who don’t meet the same unrealistic standards you impose on yourself, following the all-too-common “if I can’t have it, you can’t either” mentality.
3) Gay men are attracted to — Surprise! — Other men
As a result, there is a significant percentage of homosexuals who idolize the masculine ideal (typical Adonis traits like bulging muscles, strong jaws, flowing hair, perfect teeth, etc.). There is always a standard of beauty that society and the media perpetuate and men are also subjected to it. This is why plastic surgeons have seen a significant increase in the number of male patients seeking masculinity enhancing procedures like chin implants and midsection liposuction.
Think about some of your heterosexual friends and their unwavering obsession with petite blonde women with big breasts and tiny waists. It is not difficult to draw parallels.
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Although I would like to say that negative interactions with men like these are rare, I can confirm, especially as a travel writer, that shallow gay men are literally present in every city around the world. Sure, some places are worse than others (I’m looking at you, New York), but that’s not exclusive to our country or any specific geographic sub-sector.
But what I will tell you is this: Attraction is a very nuanced thing. What tickles one person’s pickle may elicit a loud “meh” from another. People will like what they like and our self-esteem should not be dictated by others, especially if it is based on too high standards.
Instead, ask yourself to what extent you Really worry about not fitting someone else’s mold, especially if that person is one of the narcissistic, insecure, hard-to-please men mentioned above who make it harder for all of us . Do you want to be with someone like that beyond just a fun, sexy night? The days of hunting are over. There are a lot of fish in this gay sea and, if you put your mind to it, you will inevitably find someone who has the same connections as you.
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Of course, distracting yourself from noise is easier said than done. And it may even take months and years of therapy to get to a point where you feel worthy of this type of love. Hell, I know I’m still guilty of falling back into these habits while waiting for Chris Hemsworth to realize I’m the one for him.
But it is important to constantly check ourselves and keep in mind that the beauty of being human is that we all come in different shapes, sizes and backgrounds. There East someone for everyone. And the older we get, the more we really realize that it’s not just about outward appearance, but also about cock size (I’m joking of course).
Keep looking, stop doubting and remember that you attract the energy you give off. If this energy is one of open-mindedness, kindness, and, most importantly, acceptance of all types of people, you will soon enjoy the fruits of your labor in dating – pun very intended.
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