Some parents feel reluctant and embarrassed about discussing sexuality and their children pay the price. Open communication between parents and children can delay sexual debut and promote positive relationships, studies show.
But in Africa, discussions about sex and sexuality remain a taboo subject, with parents letting their children learn from peers and social media. The concern aroused by modern sexuality and the new sexual freedom also complicated the parents’ discourse.
Nation Lifestyle explores how and when parents should start a discussion about sex and sexuality.
Eunice Wanjiru, 37, is the mother of an 18-year-old daughter. She believes that children should be taught about sexuality from a young age, when their young minds are receptive to learning and remembering information. The ICEA Lion Group financial advisor gives an example of Sunday school as a child and how the religious teachings instilled in her shaped her character as an adult.
Eunice Wanjiru is a mother of one who talks to her 18-year-old son about sex.
Photo credit: Francis Ndéritu
“As a single mother of an 18-year-old boy, I started talking to my son quite early.
Even now I continue to educate him more. I know this is the age where they want to experiment and discover what sex is.
“When I realized he had started building relationships, I called him and we sat down for a chat. I explained to him how to approach sex.
I explained to him that it was possible to control your sexual urges until the age of 25 and over. At this age, he will understand himself better and be able to take responsibility for his actions,” says Ms Wanjiru.
She adds that she doesn’t scare him about relationships or sex.
“I know I will say all this, but at the end of the day, maybe he will (engage in sex and relationships). He is still a human being; he has feelings, he’s a young man and young men like to explore. Instead, I encourage him to come to me whenever he needs help,” she says.
Sex educators say that whether or not you want your child to wait until marriage to engage in sexual activity, it’s up to you as a parent to pass those values on to them. If you avoid talking, you’re leaving your child to explore sex in the dark.
The lack of morals and clear guidelines leaves children confused.
Sherlene Nyabugi, a young motherstates that children should grow up knowing and understanding things happening around them without fear of being confronted with them, including sex.
“I had sexual discussions with my parents at an age that embarrassed me. Now that I am a mother, I will start the conversation when my child turns five. I plan to create time and involve him in these discussions, encouraging him to open up so that we can converse freely and I guide him,” she says.
The mother of one adds that she would even consider sex therapy sessions for her children if necessary since we live in an uncontrolled society with deviant sexual behavior.
But would children also like their parents to talk to them about sexuality?
Mary Wangari, a 19-year-old student at Moi University in Eldoret, says that despite occasional awkwardness, she finds it necessary to have open conversations about sex with her parents.
“I am completely free with my mother; she is my number one advisor. She started talking to me about sex when I got my first period, when I was 14. The safe space my mother created encourages me to be responsible and reach out at all times in my life, even when dealing with relationship problems,” says Mary.
The university student adds that even though she discusses sex-related topics with her peers, she often never gets a solution and has to turn to her mother.
Karen Wasomi, a final-year student at the University of Nairobi, says she received limited or vague information about sexuality from her parents when she was growing up.
She believes that open and in-depth discussions about sexuality not only protect children’s health, but also ensure that they have the knowledge to make informed decisions.
“Unfortunately, children and young adults face many aspects of sexuality without knowing what it is – and in most cases it involves sexual abuse. Being informed about sex early will help them learn more about consent,” says Karen, adding that now that the boat has sailed for her, she is unlikely to broach the subject with her parents who believe in sex in the marriage.
Therefore, she would choose to consult a sex educator.
“My parents are Christians, so they find it awkward to have this conversation. Many parents and guardians avoid the topic of sexuality.
Most of the time, they allow you to find information on your own, which is very difficult because not all sources are reliable. I also think it depends on what exactly the parent and child are talking about when it comes to sex. If we talk deeply about sex, I too will feel embarrassed talking about it to my parents. I would rather have a sex educator,” she says.
What the experts say:
What is the right age to start talking about sex?
Carmilla Edalia, a psychotherapist from Endeleo Counseling Therapy in Nairobi, says sex education should start from the age of two and continue to evolve.
If you don’t start it early, she says, it can be difficult to introduce the concept early in the development stages.
Edalia says parents should be the ones to initiate this conversation, not the child.
To be well prepared to answer their children’s questions, parents need to learn about sex and sexual development. By staying ahead of the curve and being knowledgeable, parents can provide accurate, age-appropriate information.
Parents should also create an environment where children feel comfortable asking questions and expressing curiosity about sex. Encouraging discussions without judgment or censorship allows children to seek advice and clarity from their parents, Edalia says.
Parents often worry that discussing sexuality will encourage their children to engage in sexual activities prematurely or expose them to information they may not be ready for. However, whether parents broach the subject or not, children will naturally progress through different stages of sexual development.
Akinyi Ochieng’, a family sexuality educatorsays there are many benefits to having honest conversations about sexuality with your children.
“It opens up a space for the child to know that I can come home and discuss anything that troubles me around my sexuality or even that of my friends, without fear,” she says.
Ms Ochieng’ emphasizes that if your child has a question, they are ready to be answered because they have been exposed and are trying to understand the problem.
“As a parent, try to start from the basic principle, which is to keep it very simple. Start with very simple explanations. If you see that they understand, move on to the next phase. As you progress, you can add content to it.
“Layer sex conversations as children get older. For example, let’s take the basic question: where do children come from? This is a question asked by children of all ages, from the age of three. So you keep it very simple by giving the basic information they need at that time,” she says.
Ms Ochieng’ says the early years, from zero to five, are more about building a value system than sexualized conversations.
“At this age, you’re giving your child basic things: what respect looks like, what privacy and body autonomy look like, what boundaries look like,” she says.
During puberty, engage in open dialogue and ask questions without fear. Different parents are comfortable discussing certain topics, but ask and support when necessary.
“For example, if your daughter is experiencing late puberty, a doctor’s intervention may be helpful. Likewise, if your son has low testosterone levels, seeing a doctor can guide you. “It’s crucial to understand how to best support your child’s overall health, considering factors like sleep and nutrition, because malnutrition can affect growth during puberty,” she says.
During adolescence, children’s brains develop further and they understand things better. This is a great time for parents to start open conversations about sexuality and relationships with their children.
In terms of language, what words to use or not to use?
“I don’t think there’s any rule as to what word you should use or not use. The main thing is to try and see how your child reacts. And the more open you are with them, the easier it is for you as a parent to have these very difficult conversations,” says Ms Ochieng.
Parents should also train their children in self-control in early adulthood and adolescence. They can present mixed scenarios that show where a child may have a desire but must show restraint.
Parents should familiarize themselves with the culture around sex. For example, groupies, friends with benefits, and swinging are some of the trends parents need to understand.
How can parents find reliable and accurate sources of information about sexuality to help their children evaluate the information they find online or from their peers?
“I know one of the biggest challenges we face in Africa is getting reliable sources because we don’t have printed resources. Most of them are westernized. So, as a parent, even when you buy books written by different authors, it is very important to think about them and read them or just see if they are culturally relevant. Ask yourself, ‘I’m OK with this information the way it is,'” she says.
Parents can also get information through educators, by listening to podcasts, or by reading medical journals and books. Educational documentaries that tell stories can be fundamental.
“The conversation about sexuality is essential. The other alternative to no sex education is for children to obtain information from pornography. They will get it from any source that is not healthy for them. The dangers for children are not just about sexual intercourse, but all other factors that affect their sexual health,” says Ms Ochieng’.
